I've decided I should probably pluck up the courage to write something proper in this diary-thing. Nobody's going to read it anyway so this is just for me and my shadow. In English...yeah...why shouldn't it be? It's the language I'm thinking in at the moment...

At the moment I am at home, eating cheese and biscuits....and wondering about...well, about me I suppose. I love me. I have to. We all have to love ourselves. And I love my friends very much...I love you all. The problem is, people come and go in my life,(in all of our lives) but me, I'll always be here. So I had better learn to get along with myself.

There is a song on the radio (viva a Sagres FM!) it says: "why don't you admit it, you can never really like yourself". I guess that's true as well. Sometimes I see myself as a monster. My body grows in strange, disfigured forms which I have no control over. But I try to fight it... I try to control it. If only I could stop smoking...If only I could live more healthily...Maybe I should be eating carrot sticks instead of all this cheese and biscuits stuff...Maybe I could have control... start reading more educational books and going to bed early...church on Sunday mornings...that kind of thing...

Then there is my mind. My mind is a demon. Having it's own sour thoughts. Never happy, never contented. Only when I manage to forget. Normally far too distracted by big, unanswerable questions like "what's the whole point of this life anyway?" and "why can't i be like them?" and "if i am prepared to love why is no one prepared to love me?" and other stupid stuff. Why can't I just get on with my life like everybody else and be diligent and hard working and full of some assumed, unspoken purpose? Why can't I just care about the small, attainable things like watering the flowers and doing the washing up and doing my best at my studies? Why do I have to shove these things aside and dwell on the:"but where will it get me?" and the:"who will know about it anyway?" 

I tell myself: Just do it for me...As if the whole world was watching. But for me. 
Maybe I listen to too much music :-) 

You know that feeling that you get when you think that everything in your life is just perfect and it's surely going to be that way forever and then just when you least expect it something happens and you feel like you've lost everything: your security, your happiness, your whole life. It reminds me of the feeling of vertigo..like running along the rooftops of a line of 20 story buildings and suddenly you realise that you've come to the end of the line and if you take one more step you'll fall off the edge and down, down, down...it's so far down you don't even have a clue when you''ll hit the bottom. I've had that feeling several times...but the funny thing is that although, at the time, you have no idea how you can help yourself or how you will ever manage to cope, it always does turn out ok in the end.
Life goes on and you carry on just the same but a little bit wiser.

I don't feel like that today. I'm just reminiscing. I remember when I was young and innocent. That was a happy existence because I didn't know that I was running along the top of a line of 20 story buildings and that I was in any danger of falling off. I thought that one day, when I became "experienced", things would be alot less complicated. Now I see that it is the other way round. The more experienced you get, the more complicated you realise things really are. And it is the recognition all these complications that really takes your innocence away.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I wish that we all didn't worry so much about all these complications that come with experience and just concentrated on the small things. Then maybe we could find that same happiness that we had when we were young and built trenches in the sand to stop the sea coming up the beach.

Good, I think this diary entry is long enough now to stop anyone reading it. So I'm going to bed now. If you did make it to the end..well done, wow I must have a devoted fan! You deserve a medal. I suggest you take a coffee break now and rest your eyes!